Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Perfect Weapon

Brass knuckles, butterfly knives, and nun chucks are all great weapons of choice for the amateur weapon collector. The problem with these weapons is that they are always lying around waiting to be found in an unsightly investigation that turns your life upside down.  What one needs is a weapon that leaves no trace, a weapon so stealth it is the 'ninja' of all weapons, a weapon that brings more chaos than conclusion, a weapon that just...disappears.  Through years of fieldwork, Matt and I have found such a weapon and therefore I present to you The Squamish Icicle. 

The sighting of such a weapon first occurred on the east side of the Cacodeman boulder, where years ago a small drain pipe was placed on the top of this grand boulder to create a winter weapon so secret and powerful, it could shatter a man's skull in a single blow.   Through a series of experiments, it became obvious that this weapon was oblivious to both rocks and sticks of various sizes and could withstand the sheer pressure of multiple attempts to loosen its grip throughout an entire winter.  

In an uncanny turn of events, conditions for creating the perfect weapon reached an all-time high yesterday, when cold temperatures from the north created a series of these perfect weapons on the face of The Stawamus Chief.  The deafening sound  of such a weapon was heard through the forest canopy, stopping people of all shapes and sizes in their tracks, fearing for their own lives.   Thus far the weapon has not made a serious impact on the surrounding community but locals are advised to keep an eye out when traveling in the area.  

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